I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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