how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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