Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
