you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's never too late to be topless.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My ass is underappreciated
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Help. Why am I so naked?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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