just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
