my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
