does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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