I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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