my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
