get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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