he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
