I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
there is puke in my bra ... again
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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