my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
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