a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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