That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i love accidental penises.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
