so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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