what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
