I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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