I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
