She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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