Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
she smelled like a LAN party
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
