we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
