The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
this just has baby written all over it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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