"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
