I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
