i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
