The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
