My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
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Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
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I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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