i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
