and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
