I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
