i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My feet surprised me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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