he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
