Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
