The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
