the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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