Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
