He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
