I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have aggressive nipples.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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