Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
