I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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