I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
