Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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