i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
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We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend