I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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