your parents love me but you hate me
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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