Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
There was a lot of him and a little penis
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
