Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He better not be in your backpack
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
