i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
