My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
