He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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