my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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