i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
