my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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